Claudia Fuentes

Never felt this way before.

Maybe I was young and blind which never made me realize how much I have missed out on. When I say missed out, I mean on what I’ve missed out on over here in Colombia with my real family. The first days with my Cousins and Aunt and Uncle were simple but lovely. We went out and explored, but we also stayed home and enjoyed sitting down playing with a deck of cards and it was awesome. I can’t recall ever doing that back home with my other cousins. Maybe as kids we would, but nowadays we all can’t even stay under the same roof. It’s not that we don’t like eachother, we all love eachother but it’s the adults fault. You would think that out of everyone, the adults and elders would be the mature ones, but it’s never been like that on my Father’s side of the family. And that is sad. Holidays and breaks are to spend with your loved ones but in my Dad’s family it hasn’t been like that for years. Every holiday there are 3 different parties to attend and my Father wants us to go to one because he doesn’t get along with certain people, and my cousins want us to go to another. We get torn up between all of them and every holiday there is a fight simply because of what house we decided to go to celebrate the holidays at. Why does it have to be like this though? I came to Colombia for the holidays this year and I spent it with all of my Mom’s family. The best part of it? Everyone was under the same roof, laughing, making jokes, sharing old memories, drinking, eating, and simply celebrating. There was no hate, jealousy, mean comments, gossiping…none of it. There was nothing but love and family in that room. And for once I was relieved. I felt something I had never felt before. I felt like everyone in my family loved one another and there was nothing to worry about. No grudges. No rancor. No fights. No gossip. Just love, and I never felt that before. I felt like I was at home and all I wanted to do was to play the repeat button and re-live the day over and over and over and over again until it was the only thing that I could remember, and the only thing I could talk about when someone asked me what my family was like. That’s why I don’t want to leave…because this is the family I need to be with, I need these people around me all the time, they are the ones I want standing by my side at the end of the day. And last time I checked it’s fam(ILY) meaning they all love one another…not hate each other.

Life changes for us all.

She used to be the girl surrounded by so many and the one who put smiles on all of their faces. She would make them cry tears of joy from laughing so hard. She was loud and funny and everyone wanted to be her friend. Overall, she was loved by them all. But, that’s who she used to be, but look at her now with all of her walls caved in. She’s nothing but the rubbish left from a disaster. She’s alone, forgotten and unloved. She walks the sidewalks of life silent and alone and the worst part of it all is that she goes on unnoticed by the rest. If she disappeared tomorrow no one would realize she’s missing. It’s sad how someone’s life changes, but sometimes we weren’t supposed to fit in it after all. Maybe in the end we will all be forgotten, although it should never be that way.

we don’t have words to say…

Woke up this morning to some news I never expected to hear in my life. I stayed quiet for seconds, minutes, almost hours, and all I could say was “…this is a lie”. And as the tears started filling into my eyes all I could remember were all of the good times spent. Your smile, and all the times you made us all laugh. I still remember that every time I would see you I would say, “Brandon, you always wear purple !” The time at Stella’s, where we were teaching you how to play slaps and the clapping number game. You would get so frustrated that you couldn’t win, but you would turn to the camera and smile and say that you would never give up. When I picked up the marker to write something down on that banner, there weren’t words I could say that could express what everyone in the world felt for you. The class clown. The kid with the nicest smile. The one who could make us laugh at any point in the day. It just seems so unreal kid, all we want is for you to walk into the room and make us laugh one last time and to share your smile. We don’t understand why you did it, but even in all the problems of our lives, there is a solution. Rest easy kid, we will always love and miss you. Brandon Bellante, you might be gone, but you will always be alive in our hearts. <3

Was it our indvidual choice?

It’s that moment when you lay back on your bed and look up to the ceiling, and think “Where am I?” There could be someone else in the world doing the same exact thing as you in that moment, asking themselves the same thing. But, why where you placed here, and not there? You could have very well been placed in their shoes, in their life. And if that happened, would you still be the same person with the same personality? It’s mind blowing. But honestly, did God place us here on this earth having planned the way we were going to be with our surroundings, or was it truly our own choice of what we were going to become. Was it our choice all along of who we were going to become, or were the choices already made for us?

These pains.

These pains in my chest and left side of the body, aren’t normal. Everytime they return, they get stronger and stronger. Lots of times restraining me from breathing. I would tell my mother but it wouldn’t make a difference. No one would take me to the hospital, although that’s where I should probably be. If I’m dying, then I will most likely question, why now? But I guess I’ll have to wait and see. All I can say is I hope god will be helping me to perform this week in great health. I hope it won’t have to be like last year, where I had to go the ER after my last performance. :/

I’m meant to change the lives of many.

I don’t know why, but from a young age I always had dreams. And in these dreams I was standing in front of huge crowds, speaking. And for some reason, I’ve always had a feeling that I’m supposed to do something big. I feel that I’m supposed to be in the lives of many people, and that I’m supposed to inflict a change in every one of their lives. This is one of the reasons why, when someone asks me what I want to be in the future, I don’t know what to say. But I’ve always considered not making a living for myself, but instead giving all I have to those who need it, and to work for them and for their benefit. I know that if I became rich, I would still live in a regular house and give out most of my money. I just sit here and look at the sky, asking for god to give me a sign, as to what this change is, just one clue. But, in my heart I feel that I already know.

Are we invincible?

We all have that time where we believe the world can’t stop us. Some say it by saying they’re “on top of their game” or “I’m so fly”. I guess when your on top or flying, you feel, invincible. Our parents might keep us under their roofs’ but we swear we know better then them. Taking everything we know and learned ourselves, we believe we can take on the world. At least until you realize there’s something soon to hit you in the face. It’s called reality.

i have to push them away. to protect them.

Most people would think I’m crazy or insane, but I’m not. It’s hurting me as I’m doing this, if people could only see the tears that I’m hiding from the world. I’m doing it because I don’t want to be selfish, I want to do the best for them. I’m thinking what’s best for them, and if I push them away now then it won’t be hard on them in the future. We promised we’d be there for one another to the end. But I’m not going to make it to the end. At least not to the same finish line that we all thought we would. I’m not going to live as long as the rest. My deficiency is going to make me suffer a lot of pain in the future and I don’t need them sitting in the hospital room crying and hoping for me to make it through. I’ll most likely be living off of machines after my late 40’s. It’s a horrible thing to think but I don’t want to see my friends watch me suffer and I don’t want them to have a hole in their hearts for most of their lives because of my death. I love them so much if they only knew, but it’s the only way.

TIME!

Time has flown by this week, it’s not just me, but others as well must see it. The clock is ticking and the final preparations are off the walls. Everyone is freaking out, and I must say the nerves are running through me to the point that I don’t know how I’m going to feel that day. I’m going to enjoy it to the fullest that I can say. But tick…tick….tick. There we go, clock struck another minute. Time is running out! AH!

I hate liars.

I am probably one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. I won’t tell you something if I don’t mean it and when asked my opinion I’ll give you my honest answer. And when I tell you that I’ll keep my promise, I really do keep my promise. I am one of the most trustworthy people you will ever meet and when you break my trust that is like breaking our friendship. Don’t lie to me right in front of my face, that is one of the things I hate so much. If I can’t trust you then I don’t consider you a friend. What I hate the most is that you lied right in front of me. Not only to me but to my friends, so how am I supposed to build up a relationship or friendship with you if it has already begun with a lie. I give second chances and I forgive but you better start on a clean slate next time or there won’t be a next time.